Happy New Year, you outcasts, misfits, creepers, weirdos, freaks, losers, and strangers!
Anonymous asked: ur a hoar
WHO HACKED MY TUMBLR
I totally love big butts. They’re awesome. Summer’s butt is the best. Out of every butt in the world.
We take this seriously!
Aunt: Where's my present?
Me: It's... in the mail.
Aunt: Oh? So is yours.
*both join in a hearty laugh*
christmasiscancelled: joemoeschmoe: Home Alone 2 is the greatest sequel ever, and if you disagree, I will fight you. I see your Home Alone 2 and raise you The Dark Knight. Nope
Home Alone 2 is the greatest sequel ever, and if you disagree, I will fight you.
Whenever anyone asks me “Did you make it?” after a flight, I always want to say “Bitch, if I didn’t, you would have heard about it on the news.”
JoeSchmoe4Ever: Haha, Doug asked what I think about in church
Summer: jerkign it?
JoeSchmoe4Ever: And I was like "Well, mostly if anyone can tell if I jerked off not 20 minutes ago, and that I'm a raging atheist"
JoeSchmoe4Ever: And we talked about that for awhile
JoeSchmoe4Ever: Cause I legit have this fear that someone will point it out
JoeSchmoe4Ever: And they just yell and scream a lot, or something
JoeSchmoe4Ever: So Doug was like "I guess you can tell gay people you can relate to them now"
JoeSchmoe4Ever: Like I didn't already relate to the gays as it was
I had a dream some bad boy, leather gang took the seats that belonged to my friends and I in a classroom. I sat next to them, and started performing fellatio on a cherry Popsicle until they got uncomfortable and left. What?
Anonymous asked: someday you will be a good person
JoeSchmoe4Ever: SO THERE'S THIS SONG
JoeSchmoe4Ever: THAT I WANT TO MAKE A LIP SYNCING VIDEO TOO
JessicaaAlert: do it
JoeSchmoe4Ever: CAUSE I SING IT EVERY MORNING IN THE BATHROOM BEFORE WORK
JessicaaAlert: lolol seriously
JessicaaAlert: do it
JoeSchmoe4Ever: I KNOW ALL THE WORDS
JessicaaAlert: i was not expecting this song
When I kill god, and I become New God, I will make it so people who hover in bedroom doorways are punished by stoning.
I want to make screaming audio posts all day. Vote yes.
I just got my first “Wanna see my baby?” photoed. This is a milestone into adulthood. I am pissed.
“At least he doesn’t sound angry. Just dull and boring. Like a big dick with no erection.”
Anonymous asked: bitch
burymyvices asked: why josh, how beautiful
smile-wide: joemoeschmoe: How do you tell someone “You’re a piece of shit asshole” politely? … “Sorry to intrude, sir, but I thought I’d inform you you’re a piece of shit asshole, and you could improve a whole lot as a person.” PUT IT ON YOUR TUMBLR AND HOPE THEY SEE IT AND ASSUME IT’S ABOUT THEM THAT’S THE JESSICA PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE WAY OF DOING THINGS, BUT THAT’S NOT HOW I...
How do you tell someone “You’re a piece of shit asshole” politely? … “Sorry to intrude, sir, but I thought I’d inform you you’re a piece of shit asshole, and you could improve a whole lot as a person.”
When they love you at your worst, and hate you at your best, it’s probably...
Anonymous asked: you deserve coal for christmas
A certain somebody sent me a calender with all the dates filled out, and a pick up line for every month. It is honestly the greatest gift I have ever gotten. I won’t say who.
Q: "Are you okay?"
Me: "I'm fine. Why?"
Q: "Just making sure you're not about to go postal and kill all of us."
Me: "Don't worry. I don't know how to use a gun."
Q: "You don't need a gun to kill people."
Me: "I also don't know how to use a chainsaw. Or a slingshot. Or a baseball bat."
Comedians are donuts.
lulz-chan: Westboro Baptist Church member wearing a Glee t-shirt. Maybe she’s wearing it ironically. What a hipster!
“You stopped your own heart?” “I figured if a magician could do it, so could I. Plus, the high I feel afterwards is amazing.” “That’s brain damage.” “Potato, potato!”
smile-wide replied to your quote: You’ve been really gay lately. What’s up with you? WELL STOP BEING SO GAY YOU’RE JUST LIKE MY DAD
You’ve been really gay lately. What’s up with you?– That thing people say and then I remember why I stopped being happy in front of people
Me: Okay, I should get my dad something for his laptop.
BFF: Get him beer and a game for his laptop.
Me: He doesn't play games.
BFF: Make him.
Me: I can't make him do anything. I tried to make him love me for 20 years, and it never worked out.
homopotamus replied to your post: I hate it when my roommate is drinking, and he’s… what is he singing to you? It started with “When You Were Young” by the Killers, and then every song that followed on the jukebox. burymyvices replied to your post: I hate it when my roommate is drinking, and he’s… that sounds awesome though Not really when he makes a face like...
I hate it when my roommate is drinking, and he’s singing at me, in public.
Another Sarcastic Essay
Did you know that 100% of people in America have money? Some have less than others. Others have more. But they all have it, and its awful. Sometimes we make people pay for shit. Isn’t that awful? Who wants to do that? I know I don’t. I hate paying for anything. Especially sex. You’d think sex would be cheaper than food, seeing as we have unlimited supply of orgasms, but its not....
My fights with most people: Them: You don’t act the way I prefer you do, and this pisses me off. Me: Sorry! Them: Fuck you! My fights with Jessica: Jessica: You said my hat was dumb. Me: I’m sorry. Jessica: ITS COOL :D
pajipajipaji: scrittah: shuugar-plum: doodleisland: klaidon: puridan: yepperoni: and then this happens??? ?which is the best thing i have ever seen??? ???and at this point, im not sure if im really awake or if im still dreaming???? i can’t i seriously can’t………………………………………. OH MYTFHFGHFH FG What WHAT EVEN who?????????????????????????? THIS IS THE BEST THING This is...
What I want to do after a week of hell at work: Sit and do nothing. What everyone else wants me to do: Everything else. What I want everyone else to do: Fuck off.