June 2011
74 posts
You do realize kicking us out of the apartment, and then offering to help us move, is a douche move, right? It’s not a nice offer. You’re completely oblivious. And insane.
ZING!
“It’s my least favorite kind of bullshit.”
“Do you have a favorite kind of bullshit?”
“Romance.”
I miscounted. Three weeks.
CAN SOMEONE TEXT ME PORN AND CAT MACROS DAILY
NO INTERNET FOR TWO WEEKS!
I'm pretty sure my boyfriend and I just broke up.
justremovethearrow:
esotericka:
I’m so fucking numb, I don’t even know what the hell to do.
i don’t know you but
We’re going to get through this. Together.
Somebody motivate me to pack. DO IT!
Meanwhile, I’m getting less shy at work:
*boss brings in a pack of toilet paper* “NOW I CAN SHIT EXTRA HARD!”
“I can always do two things: Zap viruses, and fuck bitches.”
*throws a pile of boxes onto the floor* “Are you okay?” “THIS IS A PRIVATE MATTER!”
May 2011
87 posts
Jessica is singing me Spice Girls until I feel better.
Best. BFF. Forever.
Words I Used to Describe Someone Who Wronged Me
-Vile
-Filthy
-Repulsive
-Disgusting
-Dirty
Words I should have to used to make me seem less crazy, and less like a Southern Baptist Priest:
-Asshole
-Fucker
-Son of a bitch
-Dickface
Current Nerd GPOY
.~FLAMING CHARISMA~. says:
no. i'm pretty sure i don't have plans to spite you
Joe Schmoe says:
Your vagina reveals your true nature
I missed Vent
"We should give people a test before they can vote."
"We tried that with the blacks. They got all pissy."
Listen
I come up with all my best jokes when I’m talking to Lint. I think its because all my other friends have the common sense to tell me to shut up before I keep going, but Lint doesn’t.
She’s like that drunk dad at a July 4th party, seeing his toddler son across the yard, holding some matches and firecrackers. Most dads would run over there, and grab that shit, but not this dad. He...
My dad wants to take my brother and I to see The...
justremovethearrow:
We were both silently yelling “OR WE CAN JUST GO AND YOU CAN NOT”
My dad takes us to see the most awkward movies. I saw Dodgeball with him, and while that isn’t THAT bad, it did get uncomfortable with the lesbian/bi stuff thrown in at the end. We saw The Hangover, Anchorman, the James Bond movies….
Just…any movie with sex or anything referring to sex needs to be kept away...
the awkward moment when you're following over 400...
smile-wide:
joemoeschmoe:
smile-wide:
joemoeschmoe:
That awkward moment Jessica is being a bitch all day for no reason.
the awkward moment when i need to be a bitch because josh is being a dick for no reason all day.
That awkward moment you’re not being a dick, but for insanity’s sake, Jessica thinks you are.
THAT AWKWARD MOMENT WHEN I AM NOT CRAZY OR BEING A BITCH, BUT JOSH IS STILL...
the awkward moment when you're following over 400...
smile-wide:
joemoeschmoe:
That awkward moment Jessica is being a bitch all day for no reason.
the awkward moment when i need to be a bitch because josh is being a dick for no reason all day.
That awkward moment you’re not being a dick, but for insanity’s sake, Jessica thinks you are.
the awkward moment when you're following over 400...
That awkward moment Jessica is being a bitch all day for no reason.
justremovethearrow:
joemoeschmoe replied to your post: My neck and chest are breaking out
Jessica
Two months ago today, I became BFFs with Jessica. We’ve had some good times. Remember all those times I asked to see you naked, and you said no? Haha! Or that time I got a glittery letter! Or that time I wrote a song for your dog, and your dog thought it was TERRIBLE! Fuck you, dog! Remember that time my girlfriend encouraged us to fuck? But your boyfriend said no? Wtf is that guy’s...
“Bragging about having sex is like bragging about sleeping, eating, or breathing....”
“I was at a party — I’d never met her — and she was like, ‘Come sit down.’ So I...”
– Zach Galifianakis, in a recent ShortList.com interview, recalling a chance encounter with actress January Jones wherein “she and I were very rude to each other.”
Weirdest celebrity beef ever.
[popwatch.]
(via thedailywhat)
That awkward moment your Platonic BFF refuses your...
Kelly and Jessica, BFFs? More like, Bitch Fucker...
JessicaaAlert (5:58:45 PM): HAVE FUN IN HEAVEN
JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:58:52 PM): *waaaves* JessicaaAlert (5:58:55 PM): SORRY I NEVER SENT YOU PIX OF MY TITS JessicaaAlert (5:59:01 PM): EXCEPT THAT ONE JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:59:03 PM): YOU STILL HAVE A MINUTE JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:59:05 PM): COME ON JessicaaAlert (5:59:11 PM): OK HOLD ON JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:59:19 PM): HURRY 50 SECONDS JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:59:24 PM):...
tumblin' zombie
smile-wide:
hmoe4Ever 6:01 pm ARE YOU STILL THERE ITS SIX OH GOD JESSICA THEY GOT YOU THEY GOT YOOOOU
Now to kill you with a shovel!
"In case the world ends, I love you." - Josh's mom
deathbyboner:
joemoeschmoe:
deathbyboner:
joemoeschmoe:
deathbyboner:
Still waiting to hear from Josh on this.
A) I got it too, so that bitch was sending a mass text.
B) I’m still waiting to hear from YOU ON THIS
What! That wasn’t a customized text of love and adoration? What a bitch!
Joshua, as the man of this relationship, it is your responsibility to reach out and proclaim your...
"In case the world ends, I love you." - Josh's mom
deathbyboner:
joemoeschmoe:
deathbyboner:
Still waiting to hear from Josh on this.
A) I got it too, so that bitch was sending a mass text.
B) I’m still waiting to hear from YOU ON THIS
What! That wasn’t a customized text of love and adoration? What a bitch!
Joshua, as the man of this relationship, it is your responsibility to reach out and proclaim your love for me at this, the end of...
"In case the world ends, I love you." - Josh's mom
deathbyboner:
Still waiting to hear from Josh on this.
A) I got it too, so that bitch was sending a mass text.
B) I’m still waiting to hear from YOU ON THIS
1 tag
“If there’s three things I’m afraid of, it’s ghosts, God, and...”
I’m a nice person. I don’t believe in revenge. Buuuut… No one has ever fucked me and my friend as bad as you did….
- Joe Schmoe: Thanks for letting me bitch all the time so I don't stab children
- Tark: It's alll good
- Tark: Your bitching keeps my day fun.
Tark found my Tumblr. Now he's going to use his.... →
Ramblings By A Jerk: SCREW YOU KELLY →
myrobotvoice:
deathbyboner:
joemoeschmoe:
JoeSchmoe4Ever (10:16:11 PM): OH JoeSchmoe4Ever (10:16:18 PM): So you’re confusing me with the guy with the small dick JoeSchmoe4Ever (10:16:19 PM): Awesome jessicaaalert (10:16:23 PM): well jessicaaalert (10:16:25 PM): according to kelly jessicaaalert…
I FEEL IT’S NECESSARY TO WARN PEOPLE JOSHUA.
HERE’S A WARNING, FUCK YOU