I come up with all my best jokes when I’m talking to Lint. I think its because all my other friends have the common sense to tell me to shut up before I keep going, but Lint doesn’t.
She’s like that drunk dad at a July 4th party, seeing his toddler son across the yard, holding some matches and firecrackers. Most dads would run over there, and grab that shit, but not this dad. He raises his beer and yells “GO FOR IT, KID!” and then laughs his ass off when he blows all his god damn fingers off. Everyone’s running around, yelling, screaming, crying, while blood rains on top of them, but the dad is just cackling in the background, raising his bottle, and cheering “NOW YOU’RE A MAN, BITCH!”
We were both silently yelling “OR WE CAN JUST GO AND YOU CAN NOT”
My dad takes us to see the most awkward movies. I saw Dodgeball with him, and while that isn’t THAT bad, it did get uncomfortable with the lesbian/bi stuff thrown in at the end. We saw The Hangover, Anchorman, the James Bond movies….
Just…any movie with sex or anything referring to sex needs to be kept away from my father. No.
Seeing Knocked Up and 40 Year Old Virgin with my father was two of the worst experiences of my life.
Two months ago today, I became BFFs with Jessica. We’ve had some good times. Remember all those times I asked to see you naked, and you said no? Haha! Or that time I got a glittery letter! Or that time I wrote a song for your dog, and your dog thought it was TERRIBLE! Fuck you, dog! Remember that time my girlfriend encouraged us to fuck? But your boyfriend said no? Wtf is that guy’s problem? Oh that guy!
“Bragging about having sex is like bragging about sleeping, eating, or breathing. Congratulations! You performed one of the most basic functions of living! We’re all so proud of you! NO OTHER LIVING CREATURE HAS FUCKED QUITE LIKE YOU JUST DID!”—
“I was at a party — I’d never met her — and she was like, ‘Come sit down.’ So I sit at her table and talk for 10 minutes, and she goes, ‘I think it’s time for you to leave now.’ So I say, ‘January, you are an actress in a show and everybody’s going to forget about you in a few years, so f—ing be nice,’ and I got up and left.”—
Kelly and Jessica, BFFs? More like, Bitch Fucker Friends
JessicaaAlert (5:58:45 PM): HAVE FUN IN HEAVEN
JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:58:52 PM): *waaaves* JessicaaAlert (5:58:55 PM): SORRY I NEVER SENT YOU PIX OF MY TITS JessicaaAlert (5:59:01 PM): EXCEPT THAT ONE JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:59:03 PM): YOU STILL HAVE A MINUTE JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:59:05 PM): COME ON JessicaaAlert (5:59:11 PM): OK HOLD ON JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:59:19 PM): HURRY 50 SECONDS JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:59:24 PM): 40 JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:59:26 PM): 30!! JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:59:30 PM): GWAAAAAH JessicaaAlert (5:59:35 PM): HOLD ON JessicaaAlert (5:59:37 PM): ALMOST HAVE IT JessicaaAlert (5:59:39 PM): ALMOST JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:59:43 PM): I DON’T HAVE TIME I’M GOIGN TO HEAVENJessicaaAlert (5:59:46 PM): SO CLOSE JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:59:47 PM): 15 SECONDS JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:59:51 PM): TEN JessicaaAlert (5:59:52 PM): I CAN DO THIS JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:59:53 PM): OH GOD JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:59:56 PM): I’M GOING JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:59:58 PM): I HAVE TO GO JoeSchmoe4Ever (5:59:59 PM): BY JessicaaAlert (6:00:03 PM): D: JessicaaAlert (6:00:11 PM): I TRIED JessicaaAlert (6:00:12 PM): DD:
JoeSchmoe4Ever (10:16:11 PM): OH JoeSchmoe4Ever (10:16:18 PM): So you’re confusing me with the guy with the small dick JoeSchmoe4Ever (10:16:19 PM): Awesome jessicaaalert (10:16:23 PM): well jessicaaalert (10:16:25 PM): according to kelly jessicaaalert…